Push Harder

I resolved to challenge myself this year to set and follow goals, setting goals being nothing new, accomplishing them being so. I know/knew it would be hard, for a reforming slacker, someone who can accomplish greatness, but falls short of finishing academic projects within the assigned time frame to the level they have been envisioned.

Reforming from being a total slacker, especially academically, is a bit like learning to crawl. My goals have to start small, pushing up to my hands first and dragging my legs before learning to synergize my motor functions. We are currently in the middle of the session in Taiwan and, I’m not on track to finish my studies at the standard I impose upon myself. Three weeks in, and I have already noticed a decline in my motivation. It is a self initiated decline in motivation, as it always is, but this time I have sabotaged myself in a much more diabolical way than my standard procrastination. No, this time afraid of all that lies ahead of me and the fact that I am capable of actualizing my vague and idealistic goals for a life of informed social action has caused me to throw in an anchor that has wrenched my legs out from underneath me; leaving them dragging as a struggle to crawl forward. This anchor was thrown out of fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear of inadequacy, fear of irrevocable uprooting.

I am in the business of studying religion, something that grounds people, while and by studying religion I am being forced to reflect upon myself. When I look towards my grounding I don’t see anything coherent, this is what I wanted, I wanted to bulldoze what I knew and build upon the rubble through my experience in Friends Global World (as well as rely on myself and break my slacking tendencies) but it scares me. I have taken on full responsibility for myself, destructing old habits, and coming out from under my shelter to receive honest criticism from others to help me achieve the potential I see within myself.

In my fear I have tried to rekindle an old relationship, an option that has been available for some time now, which has remained dormant in a friendship. I have continually snubbed the idea of a relationship as I thought that our differences would prohibit me from venturing and creating the life I want. I recognized recently that this person has been more influential than most in creating a vehicle for me to reach my potential and that this is an important quality for a relationship. This realization in conjunction with my desire to feel grounded is what lead me pursue the relationship again. Luckily I was denied, it stung, but I realize that knowing the extra time I would have to put into a relationship and the comfort that is added by having one would be added weight and would make it harder for my arms to drag me as I work towards perfected locomotion. It is not practical at this moment and I have to be prepared to meet new things as I move ahead. I am thankful that I have a friend who, whether it was his intention or not, knows me well enough to stop me from throwing in the anchor.